Under the Knife
by Sweet Lunacy
Summary: Gibbs discovers his redheaded partner is hiding a secret from him. Rated for self-harm. Back-in-the-day Jibbs. Early in their work relationship. One-shot.


**A/N: As promised, here is the one-shot I owe you, Esquinzo and Troubled-Angel-26. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Jenny found herself faking a smile as Burley returned with her beer and she nodded at him.

"Thanks, Burley."

"Anytime, Red. Hey, did Gibbs say whether or not he was coming tonight?"

She shook her head, raising her hand to get Decker's attention as he entered the bar. The other agent approached them, smiling as he slid into the chair and he immediately reached for a chicken wing.

"Hey, Shepard. Burley. How long have you guys been here?"

"About twenty minutes," Jenny answered.

"Long enough for Red to get drunk and try to kiss me."

Jenny rolled her eyes, shaking her head.

"You wish, Burley. You are _definitely_ not my type."

He wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"Come on, Jenny. You know you're madly in love with me."

Decker snickered and Jenny rolled her eyes again as he kissed her cheek.

"Burley, I would think a woman as smart as Shepard would have more respect for herself than to ever fall in love with you."

They all turned at the voice, and a genuine smile came across the redhead's face.

"Gibbs! We figured you would stay home. Fix the boat."

He shrugged, ordering a beer.

"Someone has to make sure you three don't get killed."

Jenny swallowed her beer quickly, and Gibbs was surprised to find it nearly empty. She ordered another when the bartender brought Gibbs his drink and the former marine smiled, amused.

"You in a drinking contest with someone I don't know, Shepard?"

She shook her head, pulling her hair free from its ponytail.

"No, but it's been a long day."

He nodded.

"Yeah, it's not every day that you get strangled by a crazy drugged out high school kid, huh, Shepard?" Decker asked.

She sighed, and Gibbs frowned. The marks around her throat were fading now, but still visible if he looked close enough.

"Let it go, Will. He was a kid, hopped up on who-knows-what. It happens."

She couldn't deny that the assault had shaken her, and it was evident in her eyes. Gibbs watched her as she took the beer that the bartender handed her, and he frowned. Something seemed off with her, but he wasn't quite sure what it could be. She drained it within minutes and when she stood, Burley frowned.

"Leaving already, Shepard?"

She shook her head.

"No. I need a cigarette."

He looked at her as if she'd grown a second head and glanced at Decker.

"You don't smoke," he reminded her.

"I do now. Will, can I bum one?"

The other agent nodded, shaking out a cigarette from his pack and handing it to her silently. She walked to the door and Gibbs couldn't stop the way his eyes followed her as she stepped into the parking lot. He knew it would be suspicious for him to go after her, but this was a situation that was beginning to make him more than a little uncomfortable. Still, he stayed where he was, taking a slow drink of his bourbon.

"What's with Red?"

"Burley, she had a high school kid try to kill her today. Cut her some slack."

Burley shook his head, biting into a wing.

"Nah, she's been acting weird all week. Real quiet, snapping at everyone...she nearly took my head off yesterday when I asked to borrow her stapler."

"Ever think it's just you, Burley?"

Glaring at Decker, Burley took a drink of his beer.

"Women love me."

Gibbs snorted into his drink and Burley frowned.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Gibbs."

Gibbs rolled his eyes and set his glass down.

"As fun as this is, I need to have an intelligent conversation. I'm going to get Shepard."

He stood up and headed to the door, barely listening to the agents still bickering behind him.

* * *

The parking lot of the bar was dark, and it took Gibbs' eyes a moment to adjust to the sudden change in lighting. The light from the end of her cigarette made it easier for him to find her and as he walked closer, he was suddenly aware of how cold it was outside.

"Hey."

She nodded at him, taking a long drag from her cigarette.

"Hi. Burley send you out here?"

He shook his head, pulling his jacket tighter around him, and he smiled.

"Nope. Wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine. Thanks."

Her response was fast, much too quick to be the truth, and he eyed her suspiciously for a moment before he spoke, nodding his head in her direction.

"Since when do you smoke?"

She shrugged, looking at the cigarette in her hand thoughtfully.

"I don't. Not really. This is the first one I've had in three years. The last time was after—"

She broke off suddenly, remembering just who she was speaking to. He was her boss, her partner, and while she considered him a friend, she didn't feel comfortable telling him about her father's death just yet. He seemed to realise her unease, and gave her a reassuring smile.

"I get it. Only in highly stressful situations, right?"

She nodded, thankful that he had decided not to question her. She had a feeling that he understood just what she was talking about even without saying a word, and took another drag on the cigarette she held. If anyone had asked her to, Jenny wouldn't have been able to explain the closeness she felt with the man standing next to her, she just knew that she trusted him with her very life, and they just _clicked_.

"Burley says you ripped him a new one for asking to borrow your stapler yesterday," he said casually.

Jenny scoffed, rolling her eyes and blew her smoke away from him slowly.

"He claims he lost his. How on earth do you lose a stapler?"

Gibbs shrugged, looking at her seriously.

"To be fair, we are talking about Burley."

She nodded, leaning back against the brick wall of the building. He watched her for a few moments and when he spoke, his voice was suddenly quiet in the darkness.

"You okay, Jenny?"

Frowning at the use of her first name, the redhead looked down at the ground, unsure of whether or not to answer him honestly. Finally, she nodded, and he met her eyes seriously.

"Yeah," she said with false cheerfulness, "I'm fine, Gibbs."

Her right eye twitched, and he frowned. He'd noticed that her right eye only twitched when she lied a few months after she'd joined his team, and yet he decided not to press the issue now. If she didn't want to discuss her problems with him, he wasn't going to force her.

"Okay. See you inside."

She nodded, raising the cigarette to her lips and he noticed that it was nearly gone now. He glanced at her one last time before he walked back inside the bar, and he could have sworn he saw her swipe her free hand under her eyes as the door closed behind him.

* * *

Burley handed Jenny a beer as she rejoined them at the table and she smiled in thanks.

"Red, you missed the fun. Decker hit on that waitress and she threatened to cut off his balls and drop them in the deep fryer."

"Line starts behind me," Jenny said dryly.

Gibbs laughed, and Decker looked properly horrified as he took a drink of his whiskey.

"Damn, Jenny. I thought we were friends."

"We are, but everyone knows I'm in love with Burley."

Gibbs glared at her, but Jenny didn't notice, too occupied with Burley's arm around her shoulders.

"Knew you'd come around, Red."

She kissed his cheek and he frowned.

"That's it? I can't even get a real kiss?"

Jenny frowned, pretending to think about it.

"If you ask real nicely, I might consider it."

Burley slid his chair back and dropped to one knee, taking Jenny's left hand in his and she laughed.

"Jenny Shepard, will you make me the happiest man in this bar and kiss me?"

Decker laughed and Gibbs glared at his team as he drained the last of his bourbon.

"You asking for a kiss or to marry the girl?" Gibbs deadpanned.

Sitting back up in his chair, Burley had the good sense to look embarrassed, and Jenny placed her hand on his shoulder sympathetically.

"Cheer up, Stan. That was the nicest request for a kiss I've ever gotten. You deserve a reward for it."

She leaned closer to him, and Gibbs found his hand tightening around the empty glass in front of him. He didn't know why, but the thought of Jenny kissing Burley made him more than a little annoyed. Her lips were inches from his when she pulled back and kissed his cheek again, patting the side of his face gently.

"You couldn't handle it, Burley."

Bursting into laughter, Decker reached for another chicken wing and Gibbs smirked as Jenny met his eyes across the table.

"That was cruel, Shepard," Burley pouted, "I asked nicely."

"Yeah, but I don't want to kill you. At least you asked, though. Most men don't."

Something in her voice made Gibbs tense, and he frowned. The implication that someone had forced himself on her wasn't lost on him, and he watched her eyes carefully. She tipped her beer back, and stood, tossing a few bills onto the table.

"This was great, but I've got to go. See you guys tomorrow."

"You need a ride, Shepard?"

She shook her head.

"Believe it or not, Gibbs, I am capable of calling a taxi on my own."

The look she threw him over her shoulder was suggestive in a way he hadn't expected, and he shook his head as she disappeared into the parking lot. Women were confusing. Or at least, that one was.

* * *

Jenny placed her head in her hands as she sat behind her desk and tried to focus on cleaning up her report from the previous day. Her emotions had been in turmoil for the past few weeks as she'd struggled to prove her worth on Gibbs' team, and she couldn't help but feel as though she was messing up at every turn. The tightening in her chest was making it difficult for her to breathe, and she stood, pushing her chair back roughly.

"You okay, Red?"

She nodded, not really paying attention to Burley's words, and she made her way to the nearest restroom. By the time she'd made it into the small room, her breathing was more than a little ragged and she reached into her pocket, thankful that Gibbs had enforced the importance of rule nine. Pulling out the small knife, the redhead ran the sharp blade over the skin on her wrist, hardly even registering the pain. The sight of her own blood calmed her faster than any drink she'd ever had, and she sighed as she pulled a paper towel from the dispenser.

She supposed she should feel guilty for what she was doing, and in some small measure, she did, but it wasn't enough for her to stop. She leaned against the wall, sliding slowly to the floor, and as she held the paper towel to the bleeding cut, she felt the anxiety of the last few weeks finally lessen. It wasn't gone, not entirely, but for now...it was enough.

* * *

Gibbs frowned as he scanned the squad room and looked to Decker.

"You seen Shepard?"

"Nope. I just got back from getting coffee. Wasn't there."

"Last I saw her, she was heading for the restroom. Seemed kind of...weird."

Turning to Burley, Gibbs fixed him with a curious look.

"Weird how?"

"Dunno. Just...distracted, kind of upset."

He nodded, making his way down the hall. Something was definitely bothering her, and while he didn't want to pry into his agent's personal lives, he couldn't risk it interfering with her job. That, at least, was what he was trying to tell himself. He knocked on the bathroom door, waiting impatiently for her to open it, and when it finally opened, he frowned at her.

"Something wrong, Gibbs?"

"Need your report."

"And that couldn't wait until I got back?" she snapped.

She sidestepped him, tossing something into the trash bin as she walked and he frowned at the paper towel when he glanced down. It was stained red, and he walked faster, trying to catch her before she reached the squad room.

"Shepard."

She turned, and he looked at her seriously. He couldn't see any sign of an injury, and he frowned.

"What's going on with you?"

"I'm fine, Gibbs."

Just as she turned away, he caught a glimpse of red trickling down her hand, and he reached for her wrist. She hissed in pain as he pulled up the sleeve of her shirt and his eyes widened as he took in the cut on her skin.

"What the hell?"

She jerked her arm free, backing away quickly and he followed her as fast as he could, glaring at her as she sat down behind her desk.

"Conference room, Shepard. Now."

She rolled her eyes as she signed her name to the bottom of her report and he whistled harshly.

"Did I stutter? Now, Shepard."

Sighing, Jenny tossed her pen onto the desk and she could feel the eyes of Decker and Burley on her as she stepped into the elevator, glaring at Gibbs as he hit the emergency stop switch.

"The next time I give you an order, you'd damn well better follow it. Understood?"

She nodded, and he glanced at her arm again, reaching for it slowly.

"What happened to your arm?"

"It's nothing," she shrugged.

He shook his head, not believing her for an instant.

"Don't lie to me."

"Can't you let it go?"

"Not a chance. What happened?"

Jenny sighed, pulling her arm away from him and moving to the corner of the lift. She refused to meet his eyes, and he waited, knowing she would eventually break.

"Come on, Jen," he said softly, "Talk to me."

She glanced at him at the use of the hated nickname, and finally she raised her eyes to his.

"It helps," she murmured.

He frowned, stepping closer to her, and she began twisting her hands nervously.

"Helps with what?"

"You wouldn't understand."

Shaking his head, he placed his hand on her shoulder slowly. It wasn't often that he touched her, but this seemed to warrant some kind of physical reassurance.

"Try me."

She rolled her eyes, her eyes locking on his, and he was surprised to see tears in her eyes. They hadn't fallen, and he was sure that she would rather die than allow him to see her cry.

"Have you...have you ever felt like you couldn't breathe? Like every move you make is the wrong one? Like you have no control over anything in your life?"

He nodded, wondering if he would ever be able to tell her just how much he understood the emotions she was describing.

"This..." she indicated her arm, "this helps. It makes the noise in my head stop. It takes the emotional pain and turns it into something I can handle. I know how to deal with physical pain."

Gibbs was silent as she finished speaking and after a few moments, she sighed, looking up at him seriously.

"I guess you're gonna tell Morrow about this? Turn me in?"

He frowned.

"Why would I do that? You're a good agent, Shepard. So you've got some issues to work through. Who doesn't? I'm not gonna punish you for being human."

Jenny stared at him, her eyes wide with disbelief, and he smiled.

"Besides, I need you to kick Burley's ass. I don't have time to do it as often as he needs it."

She laughed quietly, and he took her arm in his hand, examining it closely. The cut had stopped bleeding, and he smiled as he released her.

"Make sure you keep that clean. Don't want it getting infected."

She nodded.

"I'm very careful about that."

The fact that she had been doing this enough to consider the possibility of infection made him sadder than he expected and he sighed as he looked at her.

"Hey, Jenny," he paused, unsure of how to continue, "If you need to talk...about anything..."

She smiled, nodding as he reached for the emergency switch.

"I'll keep that in mind."

He flipped the switch, the elevator roaring to life, and just before the doors opened, Jenny stepped closer, her arms wrapping around his neck gently.

"Thank you, Jethro," she whispered.

Unable to speak, Gibbs simply stared after her as the doors slid open, and he barely managed to step out of the lift before they closed again. He had no idea how things had taken such a drastic turn in the span of twenty minutes, but he had never been more confused by a woman he worked with. He was still trying to ignore the jolt of electricity that had passed through him as she'd touched him when he returned to his desk, and when she smiled at him from across the room, he had the strongest urge to head-slap himself. She just _had_ to be an attractive redhead, didn't she? God, she'd be the death of him. He just knew it. Still...it was a hell of a way to go.

* * *

**A/N: As someone who has struggled with self-harm for over ten years, this was a piece that was a bit difficult to write. I deliberately didn't go into too much detail, as I didn't want to put myself in that mindset right now. Maybe later, I can return to this area of my Jibb universe and expand on it, but not right now. I hope you enjoyed, regardless.**


End file.
